King Wen, ruler of the rising Zhou dynasty, recently has been arrested by Di Xin, emperor of the Shang dynasty, for refusing to pay tribute. Di Xin also took Wen’s son and boiled him in a stew, which was promptly served to the prince’s father. The King had no idea whatsoever what had happened, and did not know it was his son he was eating. Di Xin’s action was clearly the right thing to do.
Di Xin is our beloved emperor, and he knows what he is doing. The planets aligned a month ago, and Di Xin is doing all he can to ensure that he will keep his power. Heaven did not choose him to become emperor for nothing. After all, what would be better? A few people from a foreign place dying or having hundreds of our own kind perish, should the dynasty fall?
The emperor’s choice is clear- and he made the right one. We can risk a few outsiders’ lives if it means saving a dynasty.
For once, our emperor had ceased being drunk and has put his head in the game. King Wen is still in prison, and for refusing to pay his monthly tribute. This was probably the beginning of a rebellion, and no doubt it would have grown if the emperor did not do something about it. That would have meant wars and revolts, and, most importantly, the loss of many innocents.
This is a good start to an editorial, but it needs some work to really be great.
ReplyDeleteFirst, you have several sentences that are wordy and could be edited to be much more direct, clear, and hard-hitting. For example, the end of the sentence "which was promptly served to the prince’s father, who had no idea whatsoever what had happened and did not know it was his son he was eating" is quite wordy. I bet you could say this in half the words.
You also need to work on removing personal pronouns. A great editorialist argues her point without talking directly to the reader "you."
Can you add in any more details/facts to support your opinion that King Wen is on the right track?
ok :) (again)
ReplyDelete